bullshit turned to positive holyshit

Lemme explain the title..bullshit first as I'm having a rather emo day (seems strange that I'm using the term "emo", so nostalgic haha). Anyway I'm feeling so much better now after a cathartic run (I've been delaying exercising for so long that maybe today's bullshit day was a good catalyst for some running motivation). I guess one of the triggers had to do with the meeting at work today, in which my supervisor briefed us on the 'strategic plans' for the year ahead and as always, it seemed to be more targeted towards the welfare of the organisation and not the individual, in terms of priorities. The workload only seems to be piling up regardless of whether you are a full/part-timer and like what J says, it seems to be becoming more like a "dog-eat-dog" world in there: everyone shielding themselves from shouldering more responsibilities, everyone rushing to apply for training before the opportunity gets snapped up. I'm sure this was not the work culture that CC was aiming to instil.

Subsequently, J called me aside to talk about bringing up feedback to G about the allocation of colleagues to supervision slots in a last-ditch attempt to maintain "basic clinical mindsets" in our department. To be honest, I'm on the verge of (or already) giving up hope cos any previous feedback that we have provided seems to have fallen on deaf ears. Then J suggested that maybe the feedback should be something that was not just feasible (not that it hadn't been previously), but something that was achievable and within the control of G. I agreed with him but somehow, somewhere in my mind, that still, small voice keeps telling me that it's pointless and we're fighting something bigger than us.

I'll still try though, I have nothing to lose (or so it seems to me).

Seeing my colleagues tendering their resignations one by one makes me increasingly gloomy and discouraged. Our team used to be such a vibrant, crazy bunch but the morale has been drastically plummeting ever since C and CC left that what was once a motivated, cohesive group; active and hungry in pursuing clinical excellence, has been reduced to a clinically anorexic body, increasingly drained of the soul it once possessed. I can't even imagine what will happen once J and E leaves, which will happen anytime soon. I'm wondering if I have the strength to even sustain the bond, which I have not even commenced.

Putting that aside, the BTO balloting results are out and to my utmost disappointment, we are approximately 350 places in line to choose our unit. I've been rationalising since about the whole thing: so what if it's 350 places? People will drop out and who knows, divine intervention might land us with our ideal flat. I've been praying a lot prior to the results and probably this isn't the final outcome yet cos to be fair, I did ask God to provide a good flat even if the balloting number might be shitty and whatever the outcome, it will be according to His will and we will just surrender it to Him. Seems like God is giving us an experiential lesson of surrendering; saying it is always so easy right? Why God why? Are you doing this intentionally as part of your character development programme for us?

Then, the run.

Didn't bother pacing myself like what I would usually do if I exercise (if). Alternated my sprints with 1-2 slow jogs in the park and some walking, drowning myself in my thoughts as I would typically do in such a situation. The last time I did a run of this nature (i.e. cathartic runs) was during the time I was waiting for the admission results of my Masters course, which was an ultimate stressor due to the uncertainty and waiting. Then something really amazing happened. My music player shuffled itself to this song by Sidewalk Prophets and the lyrics struck a chord:

Be strong in the Lord, never give up hope

You're gonna do great things, I already know

God's got His hand on you so don't live life in fear

Forgive and forget but don't forget why you're here

Take your time and pray, these are the words I would say

I almost cried; it was just so apt for my situation. I don't believe it's coincidental. Like what my favourite Christian apologist Ravi Zacharias would say, this is part of God's grand scheme of things as He weaves my story into His greater story.

Having said that, I'm still feeling the blues (this is reality, not a fairytale ending) but I'm slightly more comforted to know that God is not done with me yet in this matter.

New Year and past year resolutions

hello world!

rusty blog is finally updated after centuries xD

'been meaning to blog for so long but I keep having issues with the login and password such that I've been missing out on recording moments of epiphanies I've had for the past few years. Anyways, I'm glad to be back and writing. It's one of my New Year's resolutions: to be more regular in blogging and reflecting on my life and the events that I've gone through as it is not only good for my career and personal development but also for my spiritual growth as well, which brings me to my second resolution: to grow closer to God after a period of spiritual stagnation.

The decision I made in the second half of Year 2014 has been a painful but necessary step out of my comfort zone and it is already beginning to "show positive outcomes" (like how the world will phrase it). I realised that I've been missing out on all the spiritual food that I should have been fed with (I'm sure Chris would agree on me with this too). I've been so contented with my spiritual ikan bilis and rice that I fail to see the spiritual buffet spread out there. Ok phrasing it like this sounds a bit too gluttony but it really is applicable to me and I have experienced what I'd like to call a "spiritual growth spurt." This has translated into real-world transformations that I never knew would happen and although I can't reveal much here, let's just say that dying to oneself might seem like a loss at first but the sacrifice is worth it. Myself and my family are beginning to see the first fruits of this sacrifice and I can totally feel the joy. Now I understand how it feels like. I'm in a much better place now :')

With the aid of my trusty friend Facebook, I now look back on the events/achievements/accomplishments of Year 2014:

1. Start of my Masters course (now halfway through, hoping it ends quickly)
2. HK Winter Trip with A, N, WY, S ( I can feel the cool breeze of 长洲岛 and the smell of fresh, cheap and yummy seafood!)
3. A&A got married! :D
4. Lazarus & St. John's Island double date w the Gohs (lovely!)
5. HK/Guangzhou Summer Trip w essentially the same grp, minus N, including R&K.
6. Reprising my Ah Lian role in Red Production's drama "MRT" for 3 performances
7. being a bridesmaid for the first time at C&E's wedding
8. being part of the planning committee for M's proposal
9. Christmas stayover w the Goh's (cards against humanity...Ooo)
10. Going for Marriage Preparation Course and applying for BTO w my beloved :)
11. Passing my CPRP exam and being certified!

Of course, there were many transitions and movements as well and I felt like a traffic marshal and a part-time freelance host in my motherland:

1. AP leaving for Scotland to study
2. Yee being in Brisbane for at least a year (if I'm not wrong)
3. Cui being there even longer
4. Dhab going to Melbourne and having her first child
5. Jude, BB, MH and Mel leaving (and I believe, more to come)
6. Duc still out there travelling everywhere

2014 just swept past with all these events in tow. Next year will be a year full of weddings, proposals (I believe they will come, but not mine), births (super very many, my classmates being a productive bunch) and hopefully, no sad news of passings although inevitable. This year, bro's also gonna be in US for 6 months...

As for me, I can foresee a very tight and rigorous year ahead, mainly due to work and school commitments. Already as I'm typing this, I can feel the sense of pervading gloom and blues and I'm praying that I wouldn't feel this way. I have to hold on to the hope and promise that God will see me through and will give me the strength, wisdom and guidance through this.

28th March 2013, Thursday, 10.45pm, My room

I was reading a book about spiritual leadership and they were reiterating on the importance of prayer in a leader's life; that it was supposed to be a priority despite a leader's busy schedule (a top priority instead of a last resort). I decided to devote my time to pray, having been praying on-the-go for many months now, usually in the mornings on my way to work. Prayed for my work (wisdom and direction, and that everything i do, act, think will be in line with God's will and for the welfare of the clients). Also prayed for hun; that he will be able to study hard, study smart, manage his time well during this period,etc. Prayed for family, friends and colleagues as well. It was a simple, short prayer. Just like any other prayer on an ordinary day.

I was proven wrong.

Went back to reading after the prayer when suddenly, I felt the presence of the Holy Spirit flooding me. I stopped reading. I had the sudden urge to just spend the next few moments to thank and praise God; I didn't know the source in which this sudden compulsion came about but I just yielded to it. I started thanking the Holy Spirit for guiding me and being my helper for the past few years. I just kept thanking Him. Although I didn't literally hear Him speak, I could feel Him working in me in indescribable ways and I was so touched by His presence that I teared involuntarily. All I could do was to just keep thanking and worshipping Him. All this which happened in my room on a quiet weekday night!

At that time, I wasn't even reading a particularly insightful sentence in the book when the presence of the Holy Spirit came about. I've never felt like this before; the feeling of having the urge to stop whatever I was doing and just thank and praise God. In fact, as far as i could remember, my prayers mostly contained requests more than adoration and thanksgiving. If I had to describe what happened tonight, it felt like God was "downloading" His wisdom and insights into me but you don't specifically know what insights. It's like looking at the computer icon which says "downloading in progress, how many minutes left" when it's downloading stuff. 

Prayer is indeed a powerful means of connecting to God. Although I was tired in body, I could sense my inner being rejuvenated after this experience. Now I finally understand what it feels like when they say that the Holy Spirit touches you in indescribable ways and how to just be still and know that He is God. All these without words being uttered but just Being. To get away from all means of distraction and just dwell in His presence.

What a powerful and rejuvenating end to what was initially an uneventful night of reading and unwinding!

Brand new start to 2013 :)

An empowering song by Pink! Brilliant modern contemporary dance that expresses such raw emotion, coupled with awesome cinematography :)

Recently at work, our supervisor posed us 10 questions during our group therapy session, after which we were to reveal to the group our responses. the 10 questions were identical ("Who Am I?") and we got exasperated and running out of steam after awhile as we struggled to provide our responses but these are mine (mostly written out of response to my current position in general):

1. I am a person who thinks better than I talk and hopes to be understood
2. I am more introverted and need more personal space than you think
3. I am emotional and need a break from hearing sad stories at this point of time
4. I am a romantic at heart and am very loyal and loving
5. I am expressive and might flourish in theatre if I tried
6. I am always thinking of the welfare of others in general, often at the expense of myself
7. I am easily touched by the honesty and genuine-ness of people
8. I am blessed to be who I am and where I am now
9. I am a person who hopes to develop more in terms of knowing God
10. I am a person who needs to learn to say "No" more often

Perhaps some of the above may come as surprises to you and you might disagree but this was what I felt/am feeling at the moment. One thing that work has taught me is to be open and honest with myself and to accept myself for who I am despite of what others might think of me.

16 more days before I hit the one-year mark of working in the corporate world.

I have to say that it has indeed shaped my way of thinking and viewing people and Life, in general. It has also made me examine and reflect upon myself (my identity as an individual, and the values, beliefs and traits that I possess) as I work with the members. I have also learnt that self-care is essential to maintaining one's sanity regardless of one's vocation (Helping yourself before helping others).

Besides that, I have always felt that I have learnt so much from my members that I seem to be benefitting more from my relationships with them than they benefit from me! They have taught me appreciate the simple things in life and their honesty and transparency (though brutal and hurtful at times) is a breath of fresh air from the superficiality and facades that one will inevitably encounter in one's life.

Despite the fact that I'm thankful and glad that I find meaning in the work that I do, I have to admit that it can be very challenging and emotionally draining for most parts of the time. I pray everyday that God will grant me the strength and wisdom as I interact and help the members.

homecoming

Last day of Year 2011! It's 30 minutes to 2012! :D

I was out shopping with hun in the afternoon, was a great time; had "once upon a milkshake" (very jelat!), shopped for shoes and nat nat's present, hun got me my christmas present - Issey Miyake perfume which I LOVEEE! <3 and we also looked around for my christmas present for him :)

One of the highlights of this month would be the meetup with Cui (yes, she's back!). Hun got to meet her and Mark for the first time and Yee joined us too!

Really brings back the good ol' times we had back in secondary school, just that we've all grown up and headed to different paths, wherever our vocation may take us to :)

Hope to write a better post in time to come, gonna countdown in a matter of minutes! :)

Happy New Year to all! Blessings and peace!

Ok guys, so stop-motion isn't something new on the market but I thought that this vid by Kina Grannis for her "In Your Arms" music video was so creative and took so much hard work to do. Enjoy! :)