Hey everyone! Sorry about the previous post, I'm feeling much better now and thanks for all the concern and encouragement. Thought that not many people would bother to come read my posts but after THAT post, I had friends (who were reading my blog secretly) whom I have not talked to who actually approached me to ask me about it but I'm OK now. Sorted things out in my head and came to some conclusion about things so, thanks everyone! :)

Nothing much happened recently actually. Just trying to get into the momentum for school and all-Hope I'm able to have a good start cos I have a strong premonition that bidding is gonna drive me crazy.

Besides that, I have been shopping! :D

And I think one of the best and most satisfying buys would be my new pair of Converse sneakers! Got it at a 40% discount all thanks to Sam, whose friend works there. Woohoo! I found my new shopping hangout! :)

Got the message from Mabel that training for the netball league will be on Wednesdays, which is cell group day. This can't be happening....ahh!!

Everybody! Watch out for Twilight soon in theatres!

Purely for my reference

Actually, I really don't know whether I should post this but I really have to get it off my chest. To some who are aware of this issue, it may seem a little draining that you're hearing this all over again but I just can't take it anymore. Moreover, you may not understand how it's like to be trapped and not being able to do anything about it at all. Hmm...maybe I'm just being a coward for not wanting to accept and change certain things but will it really make matters better? Once and for all, I'm gonna pour my heart out about everything and not think about it for awhile.


If I had a choice I would wanna tell you and you what has been holding me back for so long all this time. It might be best to just shrug it off and go with the flow but I can't allow it to happen. I just feel that I'm not learning and growing at all and everything really seems to be routine. I've thought about this matter for sooo long, even talked to a few people about it but I can't do anything to change matters cos I'm afraid that if I do, nothing might change AND all of you would probably blacklist me for life. I've also talked to Him about it, prayed about it and tried to think about what He would do if He was in my situation but to no avail. This problem just persists year after year.

Back to the point. If I could, I would wanna tell you and you that you all have been very nice to me all these years and such but it might be only skin deep. I would also wanna tell you how difficult it has been for me to undertake the task that He has left for us and that such things need commitment on another level,not the level you all assumed it to be. Do you know how tiring and exhausting it can be physically and emotionally and even mentally to try to know them better just so that we can achieve what He wants us to achieve? Do you know that this task is not just a one-day event and that you have to actually follow up with them all the time? Do you know that in the process of doing so, I was tempted many times to become like them in thought, behaviour,speech and actions? Not that I actually wanna follow them but due to the fact that I hang out with them so much, what they do can become ingrained in me unconsciously? Hmm...maybe I'm not as ready for this task that He has given to me but what can I do?

You know, sometimes it can be so discouraging and unfair that all of you have been treating me like I'm not doing my part for Him and just wasting my life away but I'm really trying my best. It really hurts and you have no idea how much I want you all to understand it but I just know that if I try to explain this to you, you would not accept it at all. I'm just afraid that if it reaches a point where I can't take it anymore, I might not only give up on the task that He commissions to us, I might even lose faith altogether and this would really be unpleasant and devastating for both Him and me cos He has done so much for me so please, give me some space...

Actually, I didn't think that this post would be about you too but I'm just gonna add it in anyway. I just wanna say that I'm grateful for everything you've done for me these past few years: of trying to protect me and provide for me and stuff but sometimes I feel that even though we're so close, there seems to be no personal communication between us at all. I don't blame you for concentrating your energies on more practical things but sometimes, I really wished that I could be more open and honest with you. Deep down in my heart, I really wanna tell you about everything that I've done and about my life and its ups and downs but you were either too preoccupied with other things or you simply did not show interest at all. If you knew about what has happened so far, you wouldn't be judging me from your perspective now and I would probably be able to handle things better. I know that it has not been easy these years and that is why we need each other more than ever. Sometimes, I see yourself in me and I'm gradually starting to think that I'm becoming more like you for the worse. If I had you to talk to, I do not have to trouble other people about my life, really.


As for you and you. Thank you for exposing me to so many things since young and filling up the void that the previous "you" could not but sometimes I can't stand the way you put me down and make me feel bad about myself. I know I have many flaws and I know that I'm imperfect. I just don't want to hear it from you. I realise that nowadays, the more you try to tell me things, the more defiant and indifferent I feel about your opinions. And thanks for being so concerned and caring so much for the previous "you" all the time that you actually lecture me to become good and stuff for the sake of the previous "you" but do both of you realise that I kinda feel trapped and held back because of this? It's like you're thinking too much about the welfare of one person at the expense of another person's welfare cos the latter has to compromise in order to make sure that the former is doing ok. It's precisely because of you that I can't be as extroverted and laidback as some of my friends due to the extent which you have dictated my actions since young and due to the responsibilities which you have drilled in me to manage. So are you happy now that you know that you have achieved your goal of producing the perfect, squeaky clean, cookie-cutter model me? It's so difficult to feel confident about myself cos everytime I try to build myself up, your condescension would come flying through the air like a speeding dagger and bring it all shattering to the ground again. Stop judging how I live my life. I know you mean well and I know that you love me but I don't wanna blame you further for any mishap that may happen in my life due to your comments.

And you. You're seriously the source of all problems. All you do right now is care about your own life and forget about us. You're really selfish. And you expect me to understand your predicament. Sorry, I can't. Cos I've seen how others can rise up to the occasion because of your selfish deeds. Just because of this, my respect for you has gone from hero to zero. And oh ya! Did I mention the suffering you put us through just because of your selfish actions? And did I mention that you nearly screwed up our lives if not for Him? Every time I see your face I can feel this surge of disgust welling up my throat and then I'll think back about June 2006. Sorry that I have to say this but you're seriously a bastard. Do you still care about us? And you think you're so smart and that you're always right. Who do you think you are? God? I'm seriously trying to be nice to you, trying to forget what you did and coaxing myself to just move on but sooner or later, everything you did will just come back again. It's such a vicious cycle and this really requires divine intervention. Enough said.

As for you, I really don't know what to say about you now.Try as I might to help you, you don't seem to be budging from your nutshell. Everyone close to you has either become irritated with you or have given up so tell me, should I forget it and move on too? Consider yourself lucky that so many people are trying to help you be a better person man. I'm not even sure whether you appreciate our effort and I really have to commend the others for being very brave to tell it to you in your face. Speaking about moving on, can I really move on? Sometimes I HATE the fact that I allow personal feelings to get in the way but the flesh is weak. I'm really trying and it's really quite efficient when I imagine myself in the future with you. I don't want it to be a case of deja vu. You should just stop grumbling and start changing! It's no use evaluating yourself all the time and yet not try to do anything and what's even worse, the very people you've been bitching about seems to be a reflection of what you're actually guilty of sometimes.
I really hate the fact that I have to say such things about you but please understand that I do care for you enough to want you to be better. Because of you, I have been fighting this unending internal battle in me and I have been constantly urging myself that you will change for the better so please, don't give me another reason to leave you in the lurch for good cos deep down, I really don't want this to happen.

Also, do you know that sometimes, I feel that you're taking me for granted and going out with me just because no one else is free to do so and cos I happen to be the only "free" one around and whenever I think that, I start to feel depressed and stuff cos it sounds like you're using me and then I would become angry just thinking about it. I know it's not like that all the time but this seems to happen most of the time. However, I don't regret the times I have spent with you cos I do enjoy your company. You can be such a joy at times and I'm starting to cherish whatever memories of you deeply. Thank you for your little gestures of care and concern. It really means a lot to me :)

Anyway, I really don't know what to do and what to feel about you now cos I'm REALLY confused. If there was another word better than "really" to emphasise the dilemma and the pain I'm feeling now, I would gladly use it. Just thinking about you can make me cry now cos I have NEVER felt so helpless/hapless and cos usually when I try to be patient and persist in doing something, hoping to be successful in it, it usually works out but this time, it doesn't seem to be happening. I understand why you may be what you are now but it isn't gonna help if you keep it to yourself. Understand that you're not being selfish if you share your problems with us cos it would be better than us speculating about what is happening and better for you instead of bottling it all up. This is the very reason why I know that you can be so much more than the person you are now and I'm not gonna lose hope.

Sting featuring Cheb Mami - Desert Rose

I dream of rain
I dream of gardens in the desert sand
I wake in vain
I dream of love as time runs through my hand

I dream of fire
Those dreams that tie two hearts that will never die
And near the flames
The shadows play in the shape of the man's desire

This desert rose
Whose shadow bears the secret promise
This desert flower
No sweet perfume that would torture you more than this

And now she turns
This way she moves in the logic of all my dreams
This fire burns
I realize that nothing's as it seems

I dream of rain
I lift my gaze to empty skies above
I close my eyes
The rare perfume is the sweet intoxication of love

Sweet desert rose
Whose shadow bears the secret promise
This desert flower
No sweet perfume that would torture you more than this

Sweet desert rose
This memory of hidden hearts and souls
This desert flower
This rare perfume is the sweet intoxication of love

This week was quite a fulfilling one. Initially, I thought that it would just be one of those typical weeks where I have all the time in the world to slack at home and watch movies and fill my stomach with whatever that's in my fridge but it has proven to be quite well-spent.

I tried to cook dinner for my family after a looong hiatus from the kitchen and it was quite alright except that the soup tasted a little bland. Maib liked the onion egg a lot and The Blob did his part and wiped up ALL the vegetables [all 2 packets of it!] and it seriously gave me some much-needed encouragement cos my mum was acting like a culinary Simon Cowell.

Celebrated San Yi's birthday on Sunday. (Can't believe she's actually past the 40 mark already!)

Also, Ai Ping, Duc and I were "busy being Nigella" for FOUR days until my hands smelt of garlic,flour and soap! Actually, I think it feels kinda worn out, as if it has endured the friction of the pots and pans and the water and soap from this week!

Hmm...but it was actually quite good cos it kept my mind busy due to the many dishes we came up with from scratch,really kept my brain working...

See! The Fried Rice we created for the very first time after improvising. Throw in a couple of tempura nuggets, spicy chicken wings and last night's leftover sardine and you get a meal fit for a King! [heh heh!]

Saw a lot of Cuiwen this week too. Sigh..sometimes I still can't accept the fact that she's really gonna go overseas to study soon. Will definitely miss her like crazy man...no more heart-to-heart phone conversations at any time of the day, no more random meeting-up sessions,etc...I can imagine the scenario 3 years later when she comes back to Singapore after getting her degree. By then, she may not come back alone but we will see a hot,hunky and brainy Aussie guy dangling his arm around her and Cui might be dressed in her nice Aussie clothes with expensive Aussie makeup and have a high-class Aussie slang,etc...

Baked a fruit cake with Joan today and it was nicer than the one I did last year cos it had a nice brownish look to it. [Joan! I'm waiting for your pictures!]

Had a pleasant surprise at Tampines Mall after that cos Louis and I bumped into Shannon, Evatte and their secondary school friends so we talked over dinner with them and stuff. Felt much better, knowing that they were not just going to be attending the same faculty as me but majoring in the same degree too! :)

Blood donation's tomorrow, followed by medical checkup as well as orthodontist appointment the following week...better to cherish these precious few weeks before school starts proper in about 3 weeks' time!

Daft Punk - Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger (A CAPPELLA!?)

A Techno/Funk song sung a capella, everyone! Just imagine how it will sound like!