bullshit turned to positive holyshit

Lemme explain the title..bullshit first as I'm having a rather emo day (seems strange that I'm using the term "emo", so nostalgic haha). Anyway I'm feeling so much better now after a cathartic run (I've been delaying exercising for so long that maybe today's bullshit day was a good catalyst for some running motivation). I guess one of the triggers had to do with the meeting at work today, in which my supervisor briefed us on the 'strategic plans' for the year ahead and as always, it seemed to be more targeted towards the welfare of the organisation and not the individual, in terms of priorities. The workload only seems to be piling up regardless of whether you are a full/part-timer and like what J says, it seems to be becoming more like a "dog-eat-dog" world in there: everyone shielding themselves from shouldering more responsibilities, everyone rushing to apply for training before the opportunity gets snapped up. I'm sure this was not the work culture that CC was aiming to instil.

Subsequently, J called me aside to talk about bringing up feedback to G about the allocation of colleagues to supervision slots in a last-ditch attempt to maintain "basic clinical mindsets" in our department. To be honest, I'm on the verge of (or already) giving up hope cos any previous feedback that we have provided seems to have fallen on deaf ears. Then J suggested that maybe the feedback should be something that was not just feasible (not that it hadn't been previously), but something that was achievable and within the control of G. I agreed with him but somehow, somewhere in my mind, that still, small voice keeps telling me that it's pointless and we're fighting something bigger than us.

I'll still try though, I have nothing to lose (or so it seems to me).

Seeing my colleagues tendering their resignations one by one makes me increasingly gloomy and discouraged. Our team used to be such a vibrant, crazy bunch but the morale has been drastically plummeting ever since C and CC left that what was once a motivated, cohesive group; active and hungry in pursuing clinical excellence, has been reduced to a clinically anorexic body, increasingly drained of the soul it once possessed. I can't even imagine what will happen once J and E leaves, which will happen anytime soon. I'm wondering if I have the strength to even sustain the bond, which I have not even commenced.

Putting that aside, the BTO balloting results are out and to my utmost disappointment, we are approximately 350 places in line to choose our unit. I've been rationalising since about the whole thing: so what if it's 350 places? People will drop out and who knows, divine intervention might land us with our ideal flat. I've been praying a lot prior to the results and probably this isn't the final outcome yet cos to be fair, I did ask God to provide a good flat even if the balloting number might be shitty and whatever the outcome, it will be according to His will and we will just surrender it to Him. Seems like God is giving us an experiential lesson of surrendering; saying it is always so easy right? Why God why? Are you doing this intentionally as part of your character development programme for us?

Then, the run.

Didn't bother pacing myself like what I would usually do if I exercise (if). Alternated my sprints with 1-2 slow jogs in the park and some walking, drowning myself in my thoughts as I would typically do in such a situation. The last time I did a run of this nature (i.e. cathartic runs) was during the time I was waiting for the admission results of my Masters course, which was an ultimate stressor due to the uncertainty and waiting. Then something really amazing happened. My music player shuffled itself to this song by Sidewalk Prophets and the lyrics struck a chord:

Be strong in the Lord, never give up hope

You're gonna do great things, I already know

God's got His hand on you so don't live life in fear

Forgive and forget but don't forget why you're here

Take your time and pray, these are the words I would say

I almost cried; it was just so apt for my situation. I don't believe it's coincidental. Like what my favourite Christian apologist Ravi Zacharias would say, this is part of God's grand scheme of things as He weaves my story into His greater story.

Having said that, I'm still feeling the blues (this is reality, not a fairytale ending) but I'm slightly more comforted to know that God is not done with me yet in this matter.