My other attachment figure

 I'm interrupting my study to jot down how I'm feeling right now, as part of listening and honouring my needs. MH texted me that Clyde has not been feeling well and has cancelled supervision with her twice due to health reasons. This made me instantly anxious and worried. I just saw Clyde last Thurs for supervision and I was acutely aware of how much he has aged when I saw his neck (the neck is a very telling place to assess signs of ageing!). Coupled with the fact that he has been increasingly using the washroom during our meetings, I was already feeling concerned for him. Today's text just sent my anxiety off the roof.

I prayed for him and tried to focus on my readings but it was so hard to focus. Ironically, I was reading about our executive functioning systems from a book by Louis Cozolino, Drulis and Trissler (Executive Functioning and Psychotherapy: The New Neuroscience of Adaptive Intelligence): How ES1 (our salience network that helps regulate our emotions) would inhibit ES2 (the system responsible for problem-solving, planning, etc) and ES3 (our default mode network that helps us reflect and be reflexive, dream and imagine possible futures), which was actually happening to me right now. 

I decided to stop reading and connect with how I feel: sadness and grief when I anticipate losing Clyde. I allowed my tears to flow and connected with that 5/6 yr old part of me who was the one feeling sad and grieving (it was like the separation anxiety she felt when she was dropped off by mum at Kindergarten or Nursery - now I'm aware after penning these down). Minutes ago, I speed-rushed my attempt to connect and attune to this 5 yr old part but she still needs my attention, it seems. 

Clyde is the one, aside from Hun, that understands me most (not even my parents). He is the one who taught me to attune to my self-states; to listen and trust myself. He is also the one who gave me courage to take the leap to private practice and who believed I could do it. At that time, it felt like I was "burning the boats." I looked up the phrase, since so many podcasters have been using it recently. It originated from historical military tactics where Hernán Cortés burnt all his boats during the Spanish conquest of the Aztec Empire in 1519 to ensure his men had no other options and could only look forward. It means absolute commitment to what one has set out to do, eliminating all options to retreat/surrender aka no turning back for me when I go to private practice, no Plan B (actually I think I still do. I can always go back to full-time employment if private did not work out).

Now, almost 4 yrs later and I'm still in private practice. While I can't say I love every moment of it, I would say that it has opened up so many areas of personal and professional growth for me that it's wild to ever consider activating my Plan B. So at this point, I'm "burning my boats" but from a different space and resolve. I'll do whatever it takes to NOT go back to full-time employment, unless unexpected circumstances come up and prompt me to do so. Even then, activating Plan B would still be akin to pushing the button on nuclear war.

I digress. 

It is also largely to Clyde's credit that I can sustain in private for so long. He has a way of correcting and addressing areas where I fall short and can still improve in a tactful way; not saying that it doesn't hurt when he reflects that but he doesn't do it in a judgy or critical way. He also confronted me to address personal areas (like keeping dad's cheating a secret from moom) which were so hard to do but when I did, it freed up so much emotional-psychological space within me, which also impacted how I can better relate to clients, especially those with betrayal trauma. 

He is the father figure that I never had (or I thought I had until my dad betrayed me and my beliefs of him being my hero crumbled). I'm glad I got to tell Clyde how I felt losing him, although it was embarrassing of me to do so. He told me that loss is an inevitable part of life and that until "the Old Man" wants him, he will continue doing the work. Having said this, it doesn't take away the sadness I feel at the impending loss. Even writing this makes me beat myself up. I can hear the logical part of myself saying "don't be stupid. Maybe he's just having a minor flu, cough. You speak about him as if he's dying." But yet, at the core of it, I know that this is my emotional experience.

So, to my 5 yr old, I'm here. You're not alone in your sadness and grief. You are allowed to feel sad; it's valid. But I'm here with you and I will comfort you. Whatever happens, our Heavenly Father knows what's best and He is in control. One day, "he will wipe every tear from [our] eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away" <Revelation 21:4>

The Beatitudes of Upside-Down Spirituality

 Just finished reading the book Upside-Down Spirituality: The 9 Essential Failures of a Faithful Life by Chad Bird to complete my week-long break readings. It was a good reminder for me, in terms of how I should view myself, my calling, and how I relate with the body of believers.

This is taken from the epilogue of the book:

The Beatitudes of Upside-Down Spirituality

Blessed are those who fail to believe in themselves, who fail to believe that God believes in them, for they shall find in Jesus only everything their heart desires.

Blessed are those who don't make a name for themselves but rejoice that their names are written in the Lamb's book of life.

Blessed are those who don't follow their hearts, for they follow the Lamb wherever He goes.

Blessed are those who fail at being supermoms and superdads, for they are forgiven children of our Father in heaven.

Blessed are those who fail to find their calling, for theirs is the kingdom where life and love and service find them.

Blessed are those who fail at finding anyone in this world who completes them and who fail at sustaining their marriages by love alone but are completed and perfected in Christ, and whose marriages are sustained by the gift of Jesus and His limitless love.

Blessed are those who fail to conform to this world yet also fail to cut themselves off from it, for they know their true citizenship is in Jerusalem above.

Blessed are those who fail to have a personal relationship with Jesus but who find their life in the community of believers that is the body of Jesus Himself.

Blessed are those who fail to believe that bigger is better and who discover contentment and joy in the little message that floods the whole world with peace: Jesus Christ, crucified and risen, for us.

Good Friday

 I am writing this after completing The Book of Joy, written by Douglas Abrams, which describes the 5-day long meeting between Archbishop Desmond Tutu and the Dalai Lama in Dharamsala, India where the latter has been staying in his more than 5 decades of exile from Tibet.

I am just so content, complete, and full. To be able to write this, not as a task or as work, is itself a joyful thing to do as I would usually only use my laptop for work-related purposes. Today is the 5th day of my week-long break. I am content with how it went. I had 2 slices of Awfully Choc Praline cake today from the whole cake that hun bought for me 2 days back. I had the time to plan my finances properly, listen to podcasts that I have wanted to listen to, read reflective/inspirational books, and also completed watching all my CNA documentaries and whatever Youtube videos that have been on my to-watch list. I had time to Gemini "frivolous" things, explore and cook different recipes, teas etc, take naps as and when I want to, attend to low-priority household chores, and also completed my 2 Psychotherapy Networker magazines! I feel so accomplished and full!

I have decided to carve out a week-long break from work on a quarterly basis every year to be able to rest and recharge, whether or not I will be staying put in SG or abroad. Given my recent hives outbreak, of which I have finally recovered fully from today (after completing a course of steroids), I want to really pay more attention and listen to my body instead of it having to shout very loudly for my attention and call for a major STOP through hives and such. Even Clyde and hun noticed my lack of vitality, evident through low energy and disconnectedness in the past mth. It was also affecting my memory, my ability to process info, and to hold emotional space and presence with others, of which hun was the most deeply affected. I felt that I did not have the bandwidth to listen to his sharing about his latest discoveries about AI, tech, investments, many of which can be dry and technical to me. 

As my break is drawing to a close, I wanted to note down what I learnt from The Book of Joy conceptually (some of which are not new to me) and experientially.

I discovered that I could give myself permission to enjoy simple (ok quite expensive actually) joys of choc cake and not have to wait for special occasions to reward myself. I also found myself in a more joyful, ?contented state when I decided to share the joy with Keong and Fel, both of them being huge choc and cake lovers themselves, and made an impromptu trip to their place to gift them my precious choc cake. I enjoyed the night walk to their house and also the pleasure of catching up with Fel on what has been happening to her, something which I would have missed out on if I had not decided to do this spontaneously. I liked that we were just unabashedly ourselves; I stayed as long/short as I wanted to, without disturbing her of course, and we affirmed and encouraged each other. Simple but such a full experience of joy for me. I also realised that the next day was Keong's birthday, so my cake gifting was so timely!

I learnt to accept and acknowledge emotions that I am not pleased to have/hold/express. I was frustrated that hun did not want to see the GP and wanted to purge out his bacterial/viral stomach infection after 5 days of purging, which caused a change of plans to visit Marie and baby Matthias today. This visit has been painstaking to arrange and coordinate, to say the least, with frequent changes in dates, times, and venues. Ultimately, I was frustrated that things could not go as planned and was caused by hun's "stubbornness." But it was something that I had to really reflect on; not to add additional layers of frustration to the already existing situation and criticise myself further but to just accept the situation for what it is, and the choice and responsibility that hun has, as an adult, to care for himself. I could also put into practice immediately what I learnt from the book: to be grateful that hun and I are recovering from our respective illnesses, to show compassion to him for his pain, and to find joy by caring for him during this time (the morning walk to getting our porridge breakfast was very warm but still a nice time for myself). I also recall how kind and patient hun has been to me whenever I was ill; the many meal trips he would make and doctor visits he would accompany me to without complaining. I am blessed. 

Back to the book: I really liked the friendship dynamic between the Archbishop (who is now deceased) and the Dalai Lama; playful, genuine, humble, and full of respect and admiration for one another. They are good examples of modelling how I can be with others. No pride, conceit, or power play evident. They also taught about taking perspective and practising forgiveness, on top of the recurring refrain throughout the book: that through it all, we are all human beings, one and the same and we are wired for love, connection, and interdependence. It is ironical for us to pursue joy for the sake of it but in bringing joy to others, we receive joy as a by-product. Joy and sorrow exist on the same plane. And how apt for me to be reflecting on this day, Good Friday, where Christ died and took our sins and sorrows on the cross for us but in that, we can be reconciled to Him, our greatest Joy-giver. God is Love!

I would also like to tie this in to what really resonated for me after seeing one of Aiken Chia's IG posts today about being both elder and younger brother (in ref to the Prodigal Son parable); how both parts of me exist and how Christ died to redeem all these parts of me. I used to only identify with either-or when in actuality, I can be both. He set us free from our external prisons (our circumstances) and internal prisons (the constructs we have of our lives and how we make meaning of it). 

Regarding the latter prison, I have in mind what T-bag from Prison Break quoted: "We are captives of our own identities, living in prisons of our own creation." Such a powerful statement; in choosing to view my life from a certain perspective, I respond in a certain way. I see that struggle in T-bag's character throughout all 5 seasons of Prison Break, and how (thankfully) he had his redemptive arc in the end. He is my favourite character in the show; such a layered character that we can relate to.

I'm praying that I can carry this attitude with me next week onwards when I start work again. I have to admit that this break has not been easy also because I notice moments when I would go back to feeling anxious when work-related thoughts entered my mind. I remember what Clyde said; that it is normal and expected, and try to just notice them as thoughts, to gently let them know that I am on break now and I will attend to them next week. It works and it does not work, the latter because it is a moment-by-moment endeavour, which I have to intentionally practise as and when these thoughts come up. But centering myself on the fact that I am not alone in this wrestle; that there are others out there experiencing the same, if not worse, than what I am going through, centers me (I know it can sound like me rationalising or minimising my experiences but I am focusing more on the common humanity aspects here).

For now, I am looking forward to what the remaining rest days have for me, the most immediate being thinking of the next book I want to read, which video from Chef Anh Sung Jae's Youtube channel I want to watch, and spending time with hun and "our boys" :)