been thinking about. . .Friendship

Friendship. Its definition varies with one's developmental phase, values, beliefs, worldview, as well as the extent of one's maturity.

In the early primary school years, friendship might simply be just a matter of "I friend/don't friend you" or the tykes you play with, go to the tuckshop with, the one who shielded the big bully away from you, or simply the one sitting beside you in class. In the teenage/adolescent years, it might signify hanging out with people who identify with you in terms of interests, hobbies, and/or maybe even values/principles; someone with "the same frequency" as you, so to speak. It might be the time where you put your own social skills to the test and suss out your identity amidst the period of "storm and stress."
As one gets older, friendship becomes more complicated and I never imagined that it would reach that stage in life where one would inevitably have to prioritise spending time with a select group of friends. At this point, one would be moving into more intimate relationships, settling down with family life or career or pursuing choices/dreams that they have always been wanting to go after, running after that 'bucket list' so as not to regret later on in life. Hence, by hook or by crook, the young adult (now with a more mature and distinct identity of their own, hopefully) would have to face the task of digging deeper and enhancing relationships with that inner circle of his/hers.

Settling and deciding on this inner circle is a never-ending journey in itself. Some friends would naturally be 'in' but some would slowly 'dawn' their way into that glorious circle ('dawn' , in terms of realising that some friends have been there with you all along and you fail to cherish them and their efforts in reaching out to you until much later). This process would differ from individual to individual, and probably vary in gender as well after observing the different relational dynamics of both sexes. Some might even not bother with all the 'hassle' of making more friends and choose to be alone due to former traumatic interpersonal experiences (which I hope wouldn't happen to me cos we're made to be social beings and in so many ways, it drives who we are, and is biblically tied in with God's Great Commission to us Christ-followers (i.e. Imagine how the Great Commission would sound like if there weren't a social aspect to it: Go forth and make disciples of no one, baptising no one . . .and teaching no one to obey everything I have commanded you. . ." Look up Matthew for the real Great Commission)

Ok, so why bother with all this psychological-jargon-like talk on friendship?

This whole pep talk above came about when I was thinking about what entails true/genuine friendship and how the stage was set for friendships to occur and develop. This whole friendship talk/analysis is also the product of reflections of recent interpersonal events that occurred. My conclusions so far:

1. Genuine friendships are the kind that builds you up. I always like to give AP the analogy that true friends make you feel like you've just eaten salad cos it leaves you with a refreshed vibe, but bad eggs will leave you feeling like you just ingested junk food; good at first bite but bloated and uncomfortable after, maybe nauseated (something like "once on your lips, forever on your hips" kinda aftertaste).

2. Genuine friendships makes you feel safe and accepted, flaws and all. It is honest and not pre-packaged as all good. It is definitely not hypocritical and gossipy and at times, hard and painful truths are communicated to show love and concern, and as part of building the other up. It allows space and patience for each other to come to our senses and mature. It doesn't run away and hide when the going gets tough. AP and I always like to reflect on how much we've grown and changed but yet, essentially there's this "old self" in us (i.e. quirks, idiosyncrasies that will always be there). Sure, there will be some turbulence along the way; some hurts and disappointments, but if you're bent on making it work, these 'minor troubles' will be worth it in the long haul, which leads to my next point...

3. Genuine friendships are mutual and intentional. Actually, all the points are kinda related. If you want an open, honest and congruent friendship, you have to be prepared to be vulnerable in the sense that you gotta confide and trust that your friend will not judge your flaws, insecurities and whatnot in order to grow. This is also an area in which Chris has inspired me to improve: to initiate instead of waiting for the other party to do so (i.e. whatsapp so-and-so first instead of waiting for him/her to do so cos what if the other party is thinking the same thing as me and waiting for me to initiate?) Sometimes I don't initiate lest the person does not reply me, or thinks I'm kaypo to keep asking about their day/problem, or for fear that I'll be deemed as being bo liao and giving the impression that "I have no friends so I come find and talk to you" but I'm gradually realising that it's not true. Of course, all this initiating is not without its down moments and disappointments but I've since been telling myself that at least I've given it a shot and won't regret in the future. So 潇洒 right? xD

4. Genuine friendship is not constrained by time and space. And boy did I realise that within these few years. You see, my friends are the free-spirited, globe-trotting, itchy-backside, cannot-sit-still type. So they are basically all over the place in different countries and continents. Initially, I had this underlying fear that once they're out of Spore, we wouldn't be as close as before but I was wrong. This, again goes back to friendship selection, and mutual intentionality.  And when we happen to meet face-to-face again, it'll be just like old times and the conversation flows as usual (which might mean never-ending at times).

I guess in this whole friendship business, it's vital that you know who you are and where you stand in order not to let friendship come and bite you back in the ass. What I mean is that besides the nice, warm side of genuine friendships, there's also the other part that you have to deal with: discarding the bad eggs (no offense to my bluntness). This is a grey area and not all might agree to my perspective of ending a friendship but I've seen people of all sorts in my workplace (i.e. clients and staff alike) to know where the limits of friendship are. You can't help but feel this way when you see the ugly side of lies, manipulations, word-twisting and back-biting (Disclaimer: not everyone in my workplace are like that, I'm just giving you a balanced view). 
Ending friendships might seem ugly but might be necessary for the benefit of yourself and the bad egg in question. Of course I'm not suggesting that you go on some Rambo-like, friendship-ending rampage without a sound rationale, that would be really stupid. 
Recently, I inevitably had to reach this stage of thinking, reflecting and pondering if it was time for me to cease an emotionally draining friendship. It wasn't an easy decision to reach; I prayed, consulted with my close good friends and had a good talk with a mutual friend that might potentially be in the same boat as me. Although no explicit actions have been taken to sever the friendship, I'm satisfied that I've reached a position I'm comfortable being in for the moment (some real shit might happen later, who knows). In fact, I realised that the mutual friend has also been feeling the same way as I do about said friend but both of us did not know of the other's similar 'sufferings' and have been suffering in silence. This incident also highlighted, once again friends whom I can depend on and who are, indeed gems that continue to stick it out with me. 

And so, I'm so thankful for you: AP, Yee, Cui, Dhab, Jude, Esther, Alan, Duc, Wenyi, BB, MH, Preston, Waltmanda, Louisboy, Yeows, Panic Partner, 面包 超人, LY and of course, Chris.  You all mean the world to me.
(Another disclaimer: these are just some of the key people, there are many others that I didn't mention but yet are equally dear to me).


Leaving you with 1 Corinthians 13: 4-13 with regards to my ultimate thoughts on friendship. . .

bullshit turned to positive holyshit

Lemme explain the title..bullshit first as I'm having a rather emo day (seems strange that I'm using the term "emo", so nostalgic haha). Anyway I'm feeling so much better now after a cathartic run (I've been delaying exercising for so long that maybe today's bullshit day was a good catalyst for some running motivation). I guess one of the triggers had to do with the meeting at work today, in which my supervisor briefed us on the 'strategic plans' for the year ahead and as always, it seemed to be more targeted towards the welfare of the organisation and not the individual, in terms of priorities. The workload only seems to be piling up regardless of whether you are a full/part-timer and like what J says, it seems to be becoming more like a "dog-eat-dog" world in there: everyone shielding themselves from shouldering more responsibilities, everyone rushing to apply for training before the opportunity gets snapped up. I'm sure this was not the work culture that CC was aiming to instil.

Subsequently, J called me aside to talk about bringing up feedback to G about the allocation of colleagues to supervision slots in a last-ditch attempt to maintain "basic clinical mindsets" in our department. To be honest, I'm on the verge of (or already) giving up hope cos any previous feedback that we have provided seems to have fallen on deaf ears. Then J suggested that maybe the feedback should be something that was not just feasible (not that it hadn't been previously), but something that was achievable and within the control of G. I agreed with him but somehow, somewhere in my mind, that still, small voice keeps telling me that it's pointless and we're fighting something bigger than us.

I'll still try though, I have nothing to lose (or so it seems to me).

Seeing my colleagues tendering their resignations one by one makes me increasingly gloomy and discouraged. Our team used to be such a vibrant, crazy bunch but the morale has been drastically plummeting ever since C and CC left that what was once a motivated, cohesive group; active and hungry in pursuing clinical excellence, has been reduced to a clinically anorexic body, increasingly drained of the soul it once possessed. I can't even imagine what will happen once J and E leaves, which will happen anytime soon. I'm wondering if I have the strength to even sustain the bond, which I have not even commenced.

Putting that aside, the BTO balloting results are out and to my utmost disappointment, we are approximately 350 places in line to choose our unit. I've been rationalising since about the whole thing: so what if it's 350 places? People will drop out and who knows, divine intervention might land us with our ideal flat. I've been praying a lot prior to the results and probably this isn't the final outcome yet cos to be fair, I did ask God to provide a good flat even if the balloting number might be shitty and whatever the outcome, it will be according to His will and we will just surrender it to Him. Seems like God is giving us an experiential lesson of surrendering; saying it is always so easy right? Why God why? Are you doing this intentionally as part of your character development programme for us?

Then, the run.

Didn't bother pacing myself like what I would usually do if I exercise (if). Alternated my sprints with 1-2 slow jogs in the park and some walking, drowning myself in my thoughts as I would typically do in such a situation. The last time I did a run of this nature (i.e. cathartic runs) was during the time I was waiting for the admission results of my Masters course, which was an ultimate stressor due to the uncertainty and waiting. Then something really amazing happened. My music player shuffled itself to this song by Sidewalk Prophets and the lyrics struck a chord:

Be strong in the Lord, never give up hope

You're gonna do great things, I already know

God's got His hand on you so don't live life in fear

Forgive and forget but don't forget why you're here

Take your time and pray, these are the words I would say

I almost cried; it was just so apt for my situation. I don't believe it's coincidental. Like what my favourite Christian apologist Ravi Zacharias would say, this is part of God's grand scheme of things as He weaves my story into His greater story.

Having said that, I'm still feeling the blues (this is reality, not a fairytale ending) but I'm slightly more comforted to know that God is not done with me yet in this matter.

New Year and past year resolutions

hello world!

rusty blog is finally updated after centuries xD

'been meaning to blog for so long but I keep having issues with the login and password such that I've been missing out on recording moments of epiphanies I've had for the past few years. Anyways, I'm glad to be back and writing. It's one of my New Year's resolutions: to be more regular in blogging and reflecting on my life and the events that I've gone through as it is not only good for my career and personal development but also for my spiritual growth as well, which brings me to my second resolution: to grow closer to God after a period of spiritual stagnation.

The decision I made in the second half of Year 2014 has been a painful but necessary step out of my comfort zone and it is already beginning to "show positive outcomes" (like how the world will phrase it). I realised that I've been missing out on all the spiritual food that I should have been fed with (I'm sure Chris would agree on me with this too). I've been so contented with my spiritual ikan bilis and rice that I fail to see the spiritual buffet spread out there. Ok phrasing it like this sounds a bit too gluttony but it really is applicable to me and I have experienced what I'd like to call a "spiritual growth spurt." This has translated into real-world transformations that I never knew would happen and although I can't reveal much here, let's just say that dying to oneself might seem like a loss at first but the sacrifice is worth it. Myself and my family are beginning to see the first fruits of this sacrifice and I can totally feel the joy. Now I understand how it feels like. I'm in a much better place now :')

With the aid of my trusty friend Facebook, I now look back on the events/achievements/accomplishments of Year 2014:

1. Start of my Masters course (now halfway through, hoping it ends quickly)
2. HK Winter Trip with A, N, WY, S ( I can feel the cool breeze of 长洲岛 and the smell of fresh, cheap and yummy seafood!)
3. A&A got married! :D
4. Lazarus & St. John's Island double date w the Gohs (lovely!)
5. HK/Guangzhou Summer Trip w essentially the same grp, minus N, including R&K.
6. Reprising my Ah Lian role in Red Production's drama "MRT" for 3 performances
7. being a bridesmaid for the first time at C&E's wedding
8. being part of the planning committee for M's proposal
9. Christmas stayover w the Goh's (cards against humanity...Ooo)
10. Going for Marriage Preparation Course and applying for BTO w my beloved :)
11. Passing my CPRP exam and being certified!

Of course, there were many transitions and movements as well and I felt like a traffic marshal and a part-time freelance host in my motherland:

1. AP leaving for Scotland to study
2. Yee being in Brisbane for at least a year (if I'm not wrong)
3. Cui being there even longer
4. Dhab going to Melbourne and having her first child
5. Jude, BB, MH and Mel leaving (and I believe, more to come)
6. Duc still out there travelling everywhere

2014 just swept past with all these events in tow. Next year will be a year full of weddings, proposals (I believe they will come, but not mine), births (super very many, my classmates being a productive bunch) and hopefully, no sad news of passings although inevitable. This year, bro's also gonna be in US for 6 months...

As for me, I can foresee a very tight and rigorous year ahead, mainly due to work and school commitments. Already as I'm typing this, I can feel the sense of pervading gloom and blues and I'm praying that I wouldn't feel this way. I have to hold on to the hope and promise that God will see me through and will give me the strength, wisdom and guidance through this.