Good Friday

 I am writing this after completing The Book of Joy, written by Douglas Abrams, which describes the 5-day long meeting between Archbishop Desmond Tutu and the Dalai Lama in Dharamsala, India where the latter has been staying in his more than 5 decades of exile from Tibet.

I am just so content, complete, and full. To be able to write this, not as a task or as work, is itself a joyful thing to do as I would usually only use my laptop for work-related purposes. Today is the 5th day of my week-long break. I am content with how it went. I had 2 slices of Awfully Choc Praline cake today from the whole cake that hun bought for me 2 days back. I had the time to plan my finances properly, listen to podcasts that I have wanted to listen to, read reflective/inspirational books, and also completed watching all my CNA documentaries and whatever Youtube videos that have been on my to-watch list. I had time to Gemini "frivolous" things, explore and cook different recipes, teas etc, take naps as and when I want to, attend to low-priority household chores, and also completed my 2 Psychotherapy Networker magazines! I feel so accomplished and full!

I have decided to carve out a week-long break from work on a quarterly basis every year to be able to rest and recharge, whether or not I will be staying put in SG or abroad. Given my recent hives outbreak, of which I have finally recovered fully from today (after completing a course of steroids), I want to really pay more attention and listen to my body instead of it having to shout very loudly for my attention and call for a major STOP through hives and such. Even Clyde and hun noticed my lack of vitality, evident through low energy and disconnectedness in the past mth. It was also affecting my memory, my ability to process info, and to hold emotional space and presence with others, of which hun was the most deeply affected. I felt that I did not have the bandwidth to listen to his sharing about his latest discoveries about AI, tech, investments, many of which can be dry and technical to me. 

As my break is drawing to a close, I wanted to note down what I learnt from The Book of Joy conceptually (some of which are not new to me) and experientially.

I discovered that I could give myself permission to enjoy simple (ok quite expensive actually) joys of choc cake and not have to wait for special occasions to reward myself. I also found myself in a more joyful, ?contented state when I decided to share the joy with Keong and Fel, both of them being huge choc and cake lovers themselves, and made an impromptu trip to their place to gift them my precious choc cake. I enjoyed the night walk to their house and also the pleasure of catching up with Fel on what has been happening to her, something which I would have missed out on if I had not decided to do this spontaneously. I liked that we were just unabashedly ourselves; I stayed as long/short as I wanted to, without disturbing her of course, and we affirmed and encouraged each other. Simple but such a full experience of joy for me. I also realised that the next day was Keong's birthday, so my cake gifting was so timely!

I learnt to accept and acknowledge emotions that I am not pleased to have/hold/express. I was frustrated that hun did not want to see the GP and wanted to purge out his bacterial/viral stomach infection after 5 days of purging, which caused a change of plans to visit Marie and baby Matthias today. This visit has been painstaking to arrange and coordinate, to say the least, with frequent changes in dates, times, and venues. Ultimately, I was frustrated that things could not go as planned and was caused by hun's "stubbornness." But it was something that I had to really reflect on; not to add additional layers of frustration to the already existing situation and criticise myself further but to just accept the situation for what it is, and the choice and responsibility that hun has, as an adult, to care for himself. I could also put into practice immediately what I learnt from the book: to be grateful that hun and I are recovering from our respective illnesses, to show compassion to him for his pain, and to find joy by caring for him during this time (the morning walk to getting our porridge breakfast was very warm but still a nice time for myself). I also recall how kind and patient hun has been to me whenever I was ill; the many meal trips he would make and doctor visits he would accompany me to without complaining. I am blessed. 

Back to the book: I really liked the friendship dynamic between the Archbishop (who is now deceased) and the Dalai Lama; playful, genuine, humble, and full of respect and admiration for one another. They are good examples of modelling how I can be with others. No pride, conceit, or power play evident. They also taught about taking perspective and practising forgiveness, on top of the recurring refrain throughout the book: that through it all, we are all human beings, one and the same and we are wired for love, connection, and interdependence. It is ironical for us to pursue joy for the sake of it but in bringing joy to others, we receive joy as a by-product. Joy and sorrow exist on the same plane. And how apt for me to be reflecting on this day, Good Friday, where Christ died and took our sins and sorrows on the cross for us but in that, we can be reconciled to Him, our greatest Joy-giver. God is Love!

I would also like to tie this in to what really resonated for me after seeing one of Aiken Chia's IG posts today about being both elder and younger brother (in ref to the Prodigal Son parable); how both parts of me exist and how Christ died to redeem all these parts of me. I used to only identify with either-or when in actuality, I can be both. He set us free from our external prisons (our circumstances) and internal prisons (the constructs we have of our lives and how we make meaning of it). 

Regarding the latter prison, I have in mind what T-bag from Prison Break quoted: "We are captives of our own identities, living in prisons of our own creation." Such a powerful statement; in choosing to view my life from a certain perspective, I respond in a certain way. I see that struggle in T-bag's character throughout all 5 seasons of Prison Break, and how (thankfully) he had his redemptive arc in the end. He is my favourite character in the show; such a layered character that we can relate to.

I'm praying that I can carry this attitude with me next week onwards when I start work again. I have to admit that this break has not been easy also because I notice moments when I would go back to feeling anxious when work-related thoughts entered my mind. I remember what Clyde said; that it is normal and expected, and try to just notice them as thoughts, to gently let them know that I am on break now and I will attend to them next week. It works and it does not work, the latter because it is a moment-by-moment endeavour, which I have to intentionally practise as and when these thoughts come up. But centering myself on the fact that I am not alone in this wrestle; that there are others out there experiencing the same, if not worse, than what I am going through, centers me (I know it can sound like me rationalising or minimising my experiences but I am focusing more on the common humanity aspects here).

For now, I am looking forward to what the remaining rest days have for me, the most immediate being thinking of the next book I want to read, which video from Chef Anh Sung Jae's Youtube channel I want to watch, and spending time with hun and "our boys" :)