been thinking about. . .Friendship

Friendship. Its definition varies with one's developmental phase, values, beliefs, worldview, as well as the extent of one's maturity.

In the early primary school years, friendship might simply be just a matter of "I friend/don't friend you" or the tykes you play with, go to the tuckshop with, the one who shielded the big bully away from you, or simply the one sitting beside you in class. In the teenage/adolescent years, it might signify hanging out with people who identify with you in terms of interests, hobbies, and/or maybe even values/principles; someone with "the same frequency" as you, so to speak. It might be the time where you put your own social skills to the test and suss out your identity amidst the period of "storm and stress."
As one gets older, friendship becomes more complicated and I never imagined that it would reach that stage in life where one would inevitably have to prioritise spending time with a select group of friends. At this point, one would be moving into more intimate relationships, settling down with family life or career or pursuing choices/dreams that they have always been wanting to go after, running after that 'bucket list' so as not to regret later on in life. Hence, by hook or by crook, the young adult (now with a more mature and distinct identity of their own, hopefully) would have to face the task of digging deeper and enhancing relationships with that inner circle of his/hers.

Settling and deciding on this inner circle is a never-ending journey in itself. Some friends would naturally be 'in' but some would slowly 'dawn' their way into that glorious circle ('dawn' , in terms of realising that some friends have been there with you all along and you fail to cherish them and their efforts in reaching out to you until much later). This process would differ from individual to individual, and probably vary in gender as well after observing the different relational dynamics of both sexes. Some might even not bother with all the 'hassle' of making more friends and choose to be alone due to former traumatic interpersonal experiences (which I hope wouldn't happen to me cos we're made to be social beings and in so many ways, it drives who we are, and is biblically tied in with God's Great Commission to us Christ-followers (i.e. Imagine how the Great Commission would sound like if there weren't a social aspect to it: Go forth and make disciples of no one, baptising no one . . .and teaching no one to obey everything I have commanded you. . ." Look up Matthew for the real Great Commission)

Ok, so why bother with all this psychological-jargon-like talk on friendship?

This whole pep talk above came about when I was thinking about what entails true/genuine friendship and how the stage was set for friendships to occur and develop. This whole friendship talk/analysis is also the product of reflections of recent interpersonal events that occurred. My conclusions so far:

1. Genuine friendships are the kind that builds you up. I always like to give AP the analogy that true friends make you feel like you've just eaten salad cos it leaves you with a refreshed vibe, but bad eggs will leave you feeling like you just ingested junk food; good at first bite but bloated and uncomfortable after, maybe nauseated (something like "once on your lips, forever on your hips" kinda aftertaste).

2. Genuine friendships makes you feel safe and accepted, flaws and all. It is honest and not pre-packaged as all good. It is definitely not hypocritical and gossipy and at times, hard and painful truths are communicated to show love and concern, and as part of building the other up. It allows space and patience for each other to come to our senses and mature. It doesn't run away and hide when the going gets tough. AP and I always like to reflect on how much we've grown and changed but yet, essentially there's this "old self" in us (i.e. quirks, idiosyncrasies that will always be there). Sure, there will be some turbulence along the way; some hurts and disappointments, but if you're bent on making it work, these 'minor troubles' will be worth it in the long haul, which leads to my next point...

3. Genuine friendships are mutual and intentional. Actually, all the points are kinda related. If you want an open, honest and congruent friendship, you have to be prepared to be vulnerable in the sense that you gotta confide and trust that your friend will not judge your flaws, insecurities and whatnot in order to grow. This is also an area in which Chris has inspired me to improve: to initiate instead of waiting for the other party to do so (i.e. whatsapp so-and-so first instead of waiting for him/her to do so cos what if the other party is thinking the same thing as me and waiting for me to initiate?) Sometimes I don't initiate lest the person does not reply me, or thinks I'm kaypo to keep asking about their day/problem, or for fear that I'll be deemed as being bo liao and giving the impression that "I have no friends so I come find and talk to you" but I'm gradually realising that it's not true. Of course, all this initiating is not without its down moments and disappointments but I've since been telling myself that at least I've given it a shot and won't regret in the future. So 潇洒 right? xD

4. Genuine friendship is not constrained by time and space. And boy did I realise that within these few years. You see, my friends are the free-spirited, globe-trotting, itchy-backside, cannot-sit-still type. So they are basically all over the place in different countries and continents. Initially, I had this underlying fear that once they're out of Spore, we wouldn't be as close as before but I was wrong. This, again goes back to friendship selection, and mutual intentionality.  And when we happen to meet face-to-face again, it'll be just like old times and the conversation flows as usual (which might mean never-ending at times).

I guess in this whole friendship business, it's vital that you know who you are and where you stand in order not to let friendship come and bite you back in the ass. What I mean is that besides the nice, warm side of genuine friendships, there's also the other part that you have to deal with: discarding the bad eggs (no offense to my bluntness). This is a grey area and not all might agree to my perspective of ending a friendship but I've seen people of all sorts in my workplace (i.e. clients and staff alike) to know where the limits of friendship are. You can't help but feel this way when you see the ugly side of lies, manipulations, word-twisting and back-biting (Disclaimer: not everyone in my workplace are like that, I'm just giving you a balanced view). 
Ending friendships might seem ugly but might be necessary for the benefit of yourself and the bad egg in question. Of course I'm not suggesting that you go on some Rambo-like, friendship-ending rampage without a sound rationale, that would be really stupid. 
Recently, I inevitably had to reach this stage of thinking, reflecting and pondering if it was time for me to cease an emotionally draining friendship. It wasn't an easy decision to reach; I prayed, consulted with my close good friends and had a good talk with a mutual friend that might potentially be in the same boat as me. Although no explicit actions have been taken to sever the friendship, I'm satisfied that I've reached a position I'm comfortable being in for the moment (some real shit might happen later, who knows). In fact, I realised that the mutual friend has also been feeling the same way as I do about said friend but both of us did not know of the other's similar 'sufferings' and have been suffering in silence. This incident also highlighted, once again friends whom I can depend on and who are, indeed gems that continue to stick it out with me. 

And so, I'm so thankful for you: AP, Yee, Cui, Dhab, Jude, Esther, Alan, Duc, Wenyi, BB, MH, Preston, Waltmanda, Louisboy, Yeows, Panic Partner, 面包 超人, LY and of course, Chris.  You all mean the world to me.
(Another disclaimer: these are just some of the key people, there are many others that I didn't mention but yet are equally dear to me).


Leaving you with 1 Corinthians 13: 4-13 with regards to my ultimate thoughts on friendship. . .