I'm back! :D Not that anyone actually bothers since I think readership for this blog is close to zilch now (the only person I know who's still following would be LY,haha!) Pardon me for my writing skills, the phrasing in this post seems fragmented and odd but the thoughts in my head are flowing so quickly such that it cannot be translated fast enough to be typed out as coherently as I would like it to be.
Anyway, it's the 3-month break again and I will try my very best to make it as meaningful and purposeful, and of course as enjoyable as possible. I've been looking forward to this day for a long time. Workload for this semester is really crazy and if not for God, some of the church people, and not to mention a few noteworthy friends, my sanity level is still intact.
Looking back on exams, I think it was pretty OK and I'm hoping that I can see a few As this time (apologise for all the academic talk again but I'd rather rant and rave all I want here - where (I think)nobody actually reads, than complain incessantly to everyone around me about how tough school is). Sometimes I wonder why do I get so easily stressed up with school and why can't I take it easy for once. Actually, come to think of it, I think I've cut some slack upon entering uni, primarily cos the motivation to study is dwindling.
Anyway, talking about school makes me sick.
Today was great compared to the past few days. I woke up earlier than usual (10am - although still late by the standards of most people) and actually I had a bout of insomnia last night but it was worse - I was very tired but I couldn't sleep - and that's like the worse feeling to me, it's like you're contradicting yourself. Maybe it was due to the effect of the Teh Tarik I had after church,or maybe it's due to the euphoric high of post exams. Nevertheless, today was great, didn't feel as stressed, the pile of books and notes on my table's gone and I got 2 dresses from Far East! :D (although sadly it's formal wear again, it's rare to find nice informal dresses that will catch my eye!)
Will try my bestest to find motivation to look for a job (I need income for travelling!!) I've been forming travel plans in my head since ages ago (to Bangkok, Bali, Australia, even JB) but I have a feeling it might never happen. Arghh...might be a good thing though, more time to expand my reserves and plan for a better trip.
Hmm,not sure if I should say this but I've been having this underlying thought for a month. As much as I've been studying about people and behaviour (with psych and all), the complexities of us humans are just too overwhelming to be captured adequately in a couple of textbooks and studies. Therefore, it's never surprising to find an article investigating a certain behaviour being disputed and contradicted by another finding. We are such a complex and contradictory species. If we were the antithesis of my previous sentence, problems in the world might be lesser (but on second thought, I wonder if the world would be a better place without problems).
The reason which I brought this up was partly cos of the fact that I hate it when some people can be nice at one moment, only to have them judging you in the blink of an eye, especially when you have sorta convinced yourself, defended their case in your head, and rendered them as a "nice person." Don't get me wrong, it's only human nature to judge people (I'm "unconsciously" guilty of that too, sad to say) but I think it's rather disturbing for them to show it explicitly and think that I won't realise what's going through their minds. I may be wrong at times but so far, my intuition has been rather spot-on (which can be bad at times). Sometimes, the problem doesn't even concern them, and I think they have no right to clamp me down with rhetoric on how I should live my life and the choices I make. I will claim responsibility for any mistakes I make (though they might be costly ones), thank you very much for your unnecessary concern. Repress something and it will come back stronger than ever.
And it's quite sad that sometimes these vibes come from the people closest to you, those that you trust will understand why/how you're feeling like that, or behaving this way.
On another note, ever felt like you worked hard for something persistently for years but that effort fails to yield results, or maybe the outcome doesn't match what you expect it to be?
Most of the time, I am more or less satisfied with whatever I get, after reflecting on the amount of effort put in and the actual outcome. I know,deep down,that when I am determined to get something, I would go all out to achieve it and really work my ass off, that's how I am, but it doesn't seem to be happening for this thing in particular and I'm upset (quite an understatement actually).
Anyway, I've been trying to forget it and get back into a normal state of mind, return to the ebb and flow of what should be the life I'm leading but I can't help it and it's pathetic. But to be fair to myself, I think I've made improvement over the years (in terms of self-regulation) and that itself is a feat, considering how emotional I can be. A probable reason why this thing keeps bugging me is cos every time I feel like giving up/actually gave up, it comes back (unknowingly) to reclaim its position again, as if it knows that I have given up on it, staking its royal territory in my mind again. I feel like one of the rats in Skinner's experiments on a random reinforcement schedule man....when will this vicious cycle end?! It's just so frustrating,waiting and guessing...
OK enough for now. Sundown's coming and I have yet to start my jogging regime. Why,why,why did I not learn my lesson and sign up for it again after AHM?!?! 'Been telling myself that I'll do it just to get the shirt,haha!
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