not again....

It's been a long time....actually, I was tempted to blog on a few occasions but I decided otherwise. Anyway, I'll be extremely tied up this month and I'm starting to feel its effects already. Think it was due to all the late nights with the church people that made me weary and all (of course I don't blame them, it's me and my lack of proper time management).

I think I'm experiencing some sorta an emotional overload these few weeks. There have been enjoyable times and of course, the disappointing/hurting moments that only myself and a few others are aware about. Recently, I've learnt a lot and came to a lot of conclusions about people through my quiet moments of observation and analysing: how they act and behave in different situations and they're unexpected actions subsequently (in general, in case you're wondering). It's like Social Psych coming alive again - a "sadistic" kind of field trip that I've undertaken on my own accord.
As I reflect on what happened recently and how I dealt/manage those moments, I realised that I've become more resistant and, to a certain extent stronger (in terms of handling situations and coming to terms with it). Sometimes, it becomes so extreme that I know that there are times when I feel like crying but I tell myself that it wouldn't solve the problem and that the sore eyes will hamper my activities (eg. studying). Yet, I know that there is still this vulnerability that I'm unable to address and get a grip on.

One thing I'm really glad about is that my friends have stuck with me, given me advice and encouraged me (and I really, really thank God and appreciate them a lot). They never fail to make time to listen to me whenever I'm going through a rough patch and all but what I'm concerned about is family. Like what they always say "Blood is thicker than Water" but I don't really see it manifesting in mine (Hmm, then again the insecurity mentioned earlier might stem from this). I tend to admire friends who are very close to their families, siblings and stuff and I know that whenever they're in for a rough ride, they'll definitely turn to them first. Why issit that I can't do the same?

Sometimes I feel that I'm unable to confide with M cos she lacks the type of advice I need and will only come up with "practical" solutions that wouldn't seem to solve the problem. Sometimes I know that she knows I'm not being myself but I have this intuition that she doesn't dare to ask me about it. S is still too young to understand anything, although ironically, I think that I can be at ease with her the most. D is non-existent: he has his own life. And let's not even go on to talk about B. So all that's left is my friends - Sounds good but not enough. In fact, I've been relying on them way too much and although I've made improvements to be strong and stand up against these obstacles on my own, there's bound to be an Achilles Heel somewhere down the road.

I know that God has been with me a lot (and especially recently when I learnt to trust in Him more, which I see happening as I surrender more to Him) but He didn't make family for nothing.

Then again, maybe it's a good thing that I only have God and myself to account to: might teach me to cherish my independence more (and be more comfortable with it) and not be so dependent (emotionally) on others.