the closure I need

It's been awhile. Feeling quite lazy to blog, don't really see the need to now but since I can be quite sure readership here is close to non-existence, I feel free-er to say more stuff.

It's been almost 2 months since Yeye's demise. Though I'm feeling better, I still think about him once in awhile. Sometimes I forget he's gone. I will plan to go to his place in Chinatown and keep in mind to get his usual favourite Yam Cake before going up to visit him, and then the realisation will sink in again. I only dreamt of him once though, but like most dreams I forget what happened.

In terms of school, I can safely say I enjoyed this semester a lot more than the previous sems, especially for Cog Psych Lab module. Stephen Lim's a really good lecturer and friend and I highly recommend any Psych student in NUS to do his modules. He can somehow spark interest in a somewhat dry and technical field in Psych (Cognitive Psych to be precise), not to mention he really cares for the students' welfare. Very encouraging chap too, I must add (he was up in the wee hours of the night answering email queries for last-min chiongers (aka my group), who were still doubtful/panicking/unsure...very nice! And I'm blessed to know Tze Yin, Celine and Nic. They rock! :D

Group Dynamics wasn't too bad either, at least I got to meet like-minded people and had fun along the way (although I'm still feeling sore over the Taboo grading system cos we lost!)

19th Century Lit was only fun cos of the tutorial class I'm in. Gordon and co. are really nice people. But NO MORE DAPHNE PAN MODULES. EVER.

Besides school, it's business as usual in church. Christmas events dominating my December calendar (Cell group party, youth service party, rehearsals for youth service party, Christmas in the North, Christmas festival, the list goes on) At least the Avatar costumes are more or less settled (found a cost-effective way to make blue body paint, thank God!) And props for movie re-enactment are done! Now for the people to learn their roles and coordinate well.

And after weeks of slogging on Saturdays, we're finally performing this sat (Alan and Corinne's play, that is). To be honest, this is one of the better things that's happening right now. I mean, I get to do something I love, reach out to people, not to mention the post-rehearsal outings and all have bonded us. It's really nice knowing that you have friends who got your back when times are tough and who are very supportive in their own unique way (Kudos to Alan, Nelvin, Trina, Wenyi) :) I'm just keeping my fingers crossed and praying very hard that I'll not screw up on Sat (forgetting my lines, not being able to control my laughter, etc..)!

Stanchart marathon 2010: Apart from my tak glam finisher photos, it was a personal disaster, with regards to my timing. I WILL do better for next year's Adidas Sundown 42.195 km! (yes, I signed up for it already. NO TURNING BACK!)

Cui and Dhab's back! One good thing about the year-end break is that they get to come back, although I have a feeling it wouldn't be so frequent anymore. Anyway, it was just like old times again. We've all grown and changed in our own ways but yet we're still the same in some aspects. Old friends are like comfort food, you'll never grow tired of hanging out with them (well, at least for me..haha). Hope the Aussie roadtrip materialises! And the Manchester one with Yee too.

On another note, God's been really good and like I said earlier, He brought in the right people at a time when I needed encouragement and support the most (sorry, emo/sentimental ranting moments again but it's MY blog, too bad!). Although it might be trivial to some, I really appreciate the times spent with Alan and co. recently (the JB outings, words of advice and support, prayers, lunch/dinner treats, etc). Not forgetting Lou (surprise, surprise but he was a dark horse when it comes to dishing out advice,haha) and of course AP, who was always there :)

Taken from ODB: "Sometimes God gives us the opportunity to use the lessons we've learned and the comfort He's given us during difficult times to help others in special ways . . .God doesn't comfort us to make us comfortable; He comforts us to make us comforters."

I can't agree more with this statement. In fact, this is what keeps me going whenever I'm on the verge of wallowing in stupid self-pity, haha. Looking back, maybe things happen for a reason. I might feel stupid for doing what I did. Painful and unexpected it might have been but, looking on the bright side, I did learn something from it. I definitely grew stronger emotionally and hopefully, I'll be more prepared should something similar happen in the future because that's life (my adage for the moment, heh).

To reiterate my point and remind myself again,

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God."

[2 Corinthians 1:3-4]

~Peace out~

In Memoriam (1921-2010)

"How can one believe that when a human being dies a thing in itself has come to nothing? Mankind knows, directly and intuitively, that when this happens it is only a phenomenon coming to an end in time, the form of all phenomena, without the thing itself being affected thereby. We all feel that we are something other than a being which someone created out of nothing: from this arises the confidence that, while death may be able to end our life, it cannot end our existence."

[Schopenhauer, 'The Indestructibility of Being']

It's been close to 2 weeks since you left us. Although I've regained my composure and got on with life, the deafening void you left behind still leaves me in a state of disbelief, not to mention the indescribable emptiness which words can never adequately express.

Although you're gone, the memories persist. Nevertheless, I'm clinging on to the fact that this separation is temporary.

'Till we will meet again, Yeye. . .

Was never true love loved in vain,
For truest love is highest gain.

No art can make it: it must spring
Where elements are fostering.

So in heaven's spot and hour
Springs the little native flower,
Downward root and upward eye,
Shapen by the earth and sky.

George Eliot

It's been awhile!

Soccer season's finally overrr! So glad that Yee has given her 101% commitment in it too and I hope she enjoyed spending time with us..haha...

Well,I'm feeling perpetual stress these days and it's starting to irritate me. It got so bad last week that I actually took time out to go for a late-night jog just to get the endorphins pumping in my system.It's like I worry over the smallest things when I can actually do my best and trust God to deliver. It's just that I'm a natural worrywart and that's bad 'cos the stress is taking a toll on my hair too! :(

Actually, I've been thinking about the YCG (aka cell group) leader position for the past few weeks, ever since Pastor Alan approached me and I accepted. Honestly, I'm not sure if I can make the cut; it's like I'm not ready for it and it's quite weird 'cos there's some sort of role reversal going on in my YCG now 'cos my cell group leader stepped down and I'm replacing her, and I'm still getting used to it :X

All these happening when I haven't even started teaching yet! :S

Moreover, I'm having doubts about whether I'm able to commit and stuff (and whether my studies will be compromised). As it is 3 of the 5 weekday nights are occupied; 4 if there's leaders' prayer meeting...
For the optimistic friends from church whom I talked to regarding this, they have advised me to "go ahead, I trust you can do it, and leave it in God's hands", I'm really grateful and flattered and all but somehow my intuition tells me that on the other hand, there are others who think otherwise (and it shows sometimes, which is quite discouraging). I know I shouldn't be a respecter of Man and all but sometimes these things get to your head, especially when you're already stressed up and all and someone has to come in and give their second opinion about what I should do and give their two cent's worth of unnecessary stuff.

I guess it's a major step to step out of my comfort zone (like what they always say) and see how God moves and uses me. I might even surprise myself in the process, who knows..haha...I really hope that I would be able to cope and manage my time well, I'm feeling so exhausted these days...I need a break!

On the academic side, I have many presentations going on and assignments to rush out as usual. Paediatric psych's getting quite boring 'cos it wasn't as how I imagined it to be (the only interesting lecture so far was on children with cancer).
Lit has been great, so glad that Shan, Evatte and Ai Ping are in my tutorial,haha...and not forgetting Charles (who never fails to crack us up), Stephanie (the sweet and demure girl who loves Germany) and Gordon (our devil's advocate) as well as the rest :)

For Group Dynamics, we're off to a great start and I'm starting to get really excited about the group trip. Just discovered today that our activity was the most authentic amongst the groups in our tutorial so, hope everything turns out well and that everyone will have fun...
Emotions lecture's interesting but we keep missing lectures due to the many public holidays on Friday! And as for Cog Psych Lab, I hope I made the right choice by signing up for it, we'll see how it goes....

Ok I know I'm starting to blabber already.

Argghh...so many things on my mind but anyway, I'm thankful for the usual few (especially the two) who's constantly there for me,pushing me on and cheering me up; you know who you are and I love you! :)

Anyway, I've not really been meeting up with people so, apologies if it happens to be you and you're reading this. I'll get down to it once everything's more "stabilised", haha! Wondering how you guys are doing too but hope everything's going steady for you! :D

forever 21: the inception of deception

Have you ever wondered why the legal age for adulthood is 21? Why can't they just round it down to 20? After all, it's the start of the twenties and it's a whole number...

I've always felt that age is just a number but now that I've finally hit 21, I'm starting to feel the effects of age setting in; not physically (although sometimes I feel my stamina has really gone down the drain eg. I can't shop/walk around for long cos my back will start to feel sore,etc...) but in terms of what I wanna do in life and so on. Hearing T talk about her study/work plans makes me reflect on what I really want and what path I should take. It's so hard, battling between needs and wants, so much so that the word "freedom" itself cannot seem to be used without applying the proper context and prepositions.

I've always felt that it would be a long way before I become a twenty-something person. Since young, I've always envisioned a person in his/her twenties to be someone loud, hip, fashionable, passionate about life and being the life of the party himself/herself, someone confident and probably unassuming and someone independent and comfortable in his/her skin. I've always imagined that once I hit 20/21, some magic force will transform me to be someone fitting my previous description to the point that I can't even recognise the new (better) me. The metamorphosis would be akin to the caterpillar-butterfly type.

So much for dreams. Apparently, I don't feel that way and I don't know if that's a good or bad thing. People change, for better or worse and throughout the years, I'm sure you've seen people in your life (schoolmates, old friends) change physically and otherwise; some being pleasant surprises, others rude awakenings? haha!

Was looking through my old photos when D came over and I realised that although I have evolved (for lack of a better word) quite a bit physically, it's still the same old me inside. I'm not sure how to bring it across more succinctly but have you ever had the feeling that sometimes, your physical appearance doesn't quite match up to how you think/feel about yourself and how you imagine yourself to be like?

Maybe that's the reason why birthday celebrations came about: to ease the burden (eg. the responsibilities) that comes with age. By celebrating it with your loved ones, it reminds the birthday person that he/she is not alone in their life journey. And probably, this leads to the reason why some people feel the most miserable on their birthdays when their friends forget their special day (especially their close friends) cos the obvious implication is there. To the cynics out there, this might be a highly debatable point though.

Anyway, I'm really thankful that I'm not subjected to the above mentioned. In fact, I really thank God for great friends and family who did more than just remembering my birthday :)

For future reference,

Esther and Sheryl brought me to Hard Rock Cafe. Food and ambience was great, live band was playing. Requested for a Muse song but guess it was too challenging for them. Sang happy birthday for me instead (redeemed themselves immediately,haha). Saw Ms. He Siyao waitressing, cool right? :O Love E's photo montage and I can't bear to use the AT earphones!

Aiping and Duc brought me to Wild Honey. THE BREAKFAST ROCKS LA! Ice-cream. People-watched. Sephora for more than an hour, I think (again,haha!). Wore the necklace yesterday and today, so nice! and the Spongebob stuff goes without saying la hor! :D

Seafood buffet at Pan Pacific Hotel with the family, thanks to er yi! Bro ate so many mussels and clams that he had to go to the toilet midway,haha! Almost teared when I saw Maib's card...

Leeyin: AGAIN, can't believe that you underestimated your present! I love it! :D

Was pleasantly surprised just now in church when Wenyi called me to meet her at The Promise presumably on the pretext that there was a group meeting.Was met with a cake and the band people singing happy birthday instead (all thanks to Bert!).

Haven't forgotten all the personal wishes, text/fb messages, etc...

Thanks everyone! :D

Behind Closed Doors - Curtain Call

Behind Closed Doors - Curtain Call Prelude

Thank God for the event! Was really nervous, especially for the sound/music (didn't have the appetite for dinner and the butterflies in my stomach were raging wild big time!) but it went well, though I still felt that we sounded better during the final rehearsal.

Anyway, kudos to Alan not only for doing such a great job and putting his heart, soul, blood, sweat (lots of it, trust me!) and tears into the event but also for revolutionising the dynamics of Region A (not kidding). It really changed the attitudes of the people in Region A in terms of work ethics, but it also inspired them to be more than they are. Well, it really stretched and pushed my limits in a good way! I think it probably changed the way others usually view Region A (from the "slack" region to one that can put up a good show if they want to).

Most importantly, it brought us closer to God, especially when we begin to doubt the grandiosity of the whole project and how ambition and reality might not match up (which wasn't true, it was a success!). Like what Alan said before the show, we must constantly examine our intentions for staging the show and what we intend to achieve as this will make a difference in how we perform later. For me, I just hope that we were effective in transmitting the message of the story across to the audience and not just be remembered for the comic relief the script supplied.

Anyway, 'was met with a very pleasant surprise and I really am still very touched by it, haha...really meant a lot to me :)

Had 4 pratas after the event, didn't even realised how famished I was...haha! Was planning to list the names of everyone involved in this post as a form of appreciation but the list is too long so I'll be uploading Walter's curtain call credits video here soon...

Live band prac's tmr, hope we sound better this time, Michelle Ng's joining us! She'll be our acoustic guitarist! :D